Rockstar: Supernova—All Pussy Edition

My prediction for the winner of Rockstar: Supernova

Am I the only one hopelessly addicted to the abominable car accident that is Rockstar: Supernova? (It's okay: I expect the answer to be yes.) There is so, so much wrong with it—yet I can’t help but tune in every single week.

Just what is so fantastically wrong with this show? Some might point to the most obvious: just about all of the contestants are no-talent hacks. Every woman (except for the current odds-on favorite, Dilana, and my personal favorite, Zayra) has the same burly biker babe voice—as if since they are women they must make up for that fact by sounding like they have three-pound balls rather than actual personality. It’s so “bar band” it’s maddening. I wonder if any of these women have noticed that there are absolutely no popular or iconic female rock stars that have voices so absent of, well, femininity. Even PJ Harvey or Joan Jett, both of whom are totally ass-kicking tough, are tough without mimicking men. Meanwhile, the men on Rockstar are not much better. They too—all of them, every last one of them—lack any originality whatsoever. I’m actually impressed with the CBS producers for their steadfast dedication in finding the most bland singers in the country.

And of course there are other obvious things wrong with this show, and their names are Brooke Burke and Dave Navarro. Not to mention Tommy Lee, who can’t help but act and look like a bored child forced to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be.

But these are all such easy things to pick on, and they’re not the kind of flaws that make me hate it so much that in fact I love it. The main problem with this show—this show called Rockstar, in which the contestants are supposed to act like rock stars, so they can play in a band with dudes from Metallica, Motley Crüe, and Guns and Fucking Roses—is that this show is full of pussies.

I swear, none of these contestants have a backbone. They get caught on tape whining about their critiques, and when they’re confronted about it, they just clam up and apologize. Likewise the motherfuckers in Supernova bend over backward to point out that they’re just trying to help. They’re not trying to be mean. You know what, Supernova? Fuck you! You guys are from the three baddest-ass bands of the ‘80s and you’re afraid to be mean? You should quit trying to get everyone to come together for a group hug and start injecting yourself with a little attitude. Whatever happened to taking no prisoners, kicking ass, and flipping the bird to authority? God, but I feel like every episode of Rockstar is one big group therapy session. Who is letting these tattooed metalheads get away with all these niceties? What idiot producer at CBS can’t figure out that the whole reason that vanilla showboat American Idol works the way it does is because Simon Cowell is a dick? When the most popular show in America is less afraid to have balls than a show full of dirtheads and hessians, someone needs to get fired. This show should end in a fistfight or riot every single week. Anything less is a failure.

All this nicey-nice happened last year, too, when I was sure INXS was going to throw bouquets of roses at every wannabe they nixed each week. This season’s contestants should take note that last season the only guy that ever rocked the boat and stuck to his guns was the guy that wound up winning. That’s why I’m rooting for Zayra this season, even though I seem to be the only person in the universe that likes her. She is so bizarre, so loony, and she seems to flaunt her inability to sing on key—and hey, there’s little that’s more punk rock than that! But she stands her ground. She practically calls Gilby Clarke an asshole every single week, and I love her for it. She wears blue spandex and dances like a slutty robot Toni Basil, and I love her for it. As long as she stays on the show, Rockstar will remain my #1 guilty pleasure love-to-hate destination each week. As soon as she’s off, the whole sloppy mess of sissy bitches falls off my radar.

Comments

[Gregg]

I will grant you that Zayra is a ...unique... talent, she would probably do better on her own or with a more eclectic band.

I agree with you - she gets points for refusing to suck up to the band. Everyone else just smiles and asks for more. ('cept my boy Lukas.)

[Jeremy]

A couple comments:

1. Best post ever.

2. You read my mind. Rock Star is legitimately the worst show of all time, yet I come back for more each week. It's methamphetamineesq in that way: I know it's bad for me, but I'm an addict.

Every week, Dave, Tommy, Gilby, and Jason praise these absolute no-talents and tell them that their performances "rocked" or "totally kicked ass" when in reality, not one of them has come anywhere near "rocking" even once. This has been nothing short of three weeks of the most forced, affected, mediocre performances ever on television. But somehow, I love it.

With that in mind, each week I talk to the television: "Guys, with the exception of Jason, you've all played in bands with some of the greatest rock and roll vocalists of ALL TIME (Vince, Axl, and Perry -- I was never really a Hetfield fan) and you thought THAT was good? Seriously?"

I can't help but to think that the answer is "no," they didn't think it was good, they've just been directed by the producers to say they liked it. Believing that would help me to sleep at night. But their reactions are so convincing, I'm not sure I believe it. I'm afraid that they might really like it.

Which leads me to the aspect of Rock Star: Supernova that is even more saddening than the pathetic performances of its contestants: Its weekly revelation that my old rock and roll icons have gone completely soft. It was bad enough when Tommy Lee, the same guy that played the drums upside down during "Wild Side," relased his solo hit single, "Good Times." Now it actually hurts me to believe that he genuinely liked the latest performance from Storn Large.

On the bright side, that one dude played a Failure song last night, and there was something sort of cool and gratifying about that. But then again, he got kicked off.

[pgwp]

Gregg - I do have to agree with you (and my buddy Dave N.) that Zayra would do better on her own. The boys in Supernova are not forward-thinking enough to do the next-shit genius that she needs beneath her.

Also - Little Lukas? Really? Come on! Actually one element of my Rockstar Drinking Game is doing a shot every time the camera catches Jason Newsted absolutley hating Lukas. I get the feeling Jason really can't handle that little guy.

Jeremy -

1. Thanks.

2. These guys have GOT to know that all of the contestants are whack. Unfortunately I missed the very first episode so I didn't get to see if they all looked crestfallen by the end of the show, as they realized the next year of their lives would be consumed with this garbage.

3. Yeah, Phil got a small bit of respect from me for digging out Failure. But then again there's a reason why Failure never hit big time. They had one really great song on their first album, and everything else was pretty bland. The Failure singer is not really one to be emulated.

[the brilliant wife (believe the hype!)]

Um, honey, you are not the only person on the planet who hearts Zayra... but then again, that must be why we are two lil' peas in a pod. As you know, I definitely agree with your sentiments on the "bar band" bitches, and I'd like to make public my desire for some of those gals (or even the guys) to finagle a better song selection. If it must be grunge era, how about the Breeders, Sonic Youth, or PJ herself for a foxy female song selection? I wanna see one of those wannabe toughgirls rock "Cannonball". And wouldn't any song by the Pixies be a better choice than a played out Sublime hit? If it's merely a rights issue, then give us less Nirvana, anyhoo. Please? Ahhh, but then it wouldn't be the show we love to mock...